GOOD FRIENDS AND A NEW IDEA

First, thank you to all of you for the kind comments and emails you have sent. I am still on hiatus and won’t be back for a little while but I wanted to make this post. When I’m back I promise to get back to normal and write something really stupid.

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I MISS YOU

“My bones hurt”. Those words are tattooed on my brain, the sound and pitch of her voice is something I will never forget or the expression on her face. It was Saturday, April 16, 2005 and we were at a soccer game and I asked my sister why she was limping. Her oldest daughter and my oldest daughter are the same age and were best friends since birth and they played all sports together. As a result we spent every Saturday at soccer games together. I knew something was really wrong my sister was tough as hell and never complained. The following Thursday she was diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer. As cancer goes ovarian cancer is one of the worst and survival rates are dismal. The doctors tried to offer hope but we knew my sister had just been sentenced to death. She was 37 years old. Two years later on May 25, 2007 she died.  This Friday will be five years.

My sister was an amazing woman. She was the greatest big sister anyone could ask for and she was a great friend. She always defended me even when I did the indefensible. Growing up she would force me to play barbies with her or make me sit in a chair so she could practice putting make up on me so she would get it right when she put it on herself. I hated doing that but I could never say no to her and I’m glad I didn’t because those are the memories I have now.

When I got out of the Navy I moved back here and my sister introduced me to her best friend who would later become my wife. Over the next twelve years my wife and I and my sister and her husband were always together.  I talked to her on the phone a hundred times a day we were as close as a brother and sister can be.

I have a lot of guilt because I was not nearly as good a brother as she was a sister. I would get mad at her when she would call me when I was working and sometimes I didn’t treat her as well as she deserved. When she was diagnosed I prayed every night to a God I don’t even believe in to take me instead of her. It made no sense, why take the best one this family had every seen? She asked me once to go to her doctor’s appointment and I made some excuse as to why I couldn’t go. I told her I had an appointment or something but the truth is I was a complete coward. I knew the news would be bad and I knew I wouldn’t be able to take it.  

My sister was a Christian, a non-judgmental Christian and my lack of religion always bothered her. She spent her last four days on earth praying for me instead of worrying about herself. A year after she was diagnosed my mom was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer. My sister was more upset about that then she had been about her own diagnosis.  

Her death threw me into a frenzy of alcohol and pills. It is difficult to watch someone you love so much die. This year is the first year I will be sober on the anniversary of her death and it is the hardest year yet. Time doesn’t heal all wounds and I miss her more now than ever. I am struggling. I feel like I am in a tug of war between the man I was right after she died and the man I am now. I desperately want to go back to the gift of numbness provided by the pills and alcohol but I can’t, it isn’t fair to my wife and kids. The thing I always forget is that my wife also lost her very best friend, a friend she was closer to than anyone else. My wife was with her everyday taking care of her. I will never be able to thank my wife for what she did for my sister because the words haven’t been invented yet. My wife never got the chance to morn because she was too busy watching her husband fall apart and she needed to be strong and hold the family together. The past month I have been difficult to live with because I feel like I am losing the tug of war. I have slowly been tugged in the wrong direction. I have been mean to my wife and family members and I cannot go back. I simply can’t.

I’m sorry, I want this site to be funny where people come to laugh and I know I have talked about my sister a lot lately and I have been nauseatingly sappy but that is because I am only capable of writing what is on my mind. That is the real reason for my hiatus. I simply cannot find a way to be funny right now. I will be gone for a while. I don’t know how long but I hope all of you are here when I get back.

Ovarian cancer is called the silent killer because there are no early symptoms and by the time it is diagnosed it is usually too late. There is very little money for research because it is a rare cancer. They need money and I would appreciate any donation you could make to them. This is their website.

  http://www.ocrf.org/

I love you Leeny Bug.

I MEAN IT THIS TIME

Hey everyone, I will be taking some time off and I mean it this time. I have to get caught up with work and it is the end of the school year so there are a lot of kids events I need to attend. I will not be checking the blog or twitter or facebook for a while. it will probably be about ten days. I will see you guys soon.

I WAS WONDERING IF THIS WOULD HAPPEN

I received this email the other day asking for advice. I asked her if I could post it that way all of you could chime in and maybe give her better advice then me.

Hi RM!

It’s been a very long time since I visited your blog, (blasphemy, I know!) and I promise I’m back for good. Apparently I had some computer issues, and I was never notified of your comments on mine, and blah blah blah… But I had a great time reading all the blogs I’ve missed out on in the meantime, (there were quite a few!) and I look forward to more hilarious laughs in the future –as they are always guaranteed :)

Now, I have two very important things I would like to ask/point out to you. The first is likely the one to set you on edge, so I might as well get it out of the way. 

In your earlier blogs you make a big deal about how if you’re younger than a certain age to LEAVE THIS BLOG RIGHT NOW, and you should NOT be reading that kind of material, and my personal favorite quote: “you should be in bed…alone”. Given how unsettled you are that your oldest daughter started to read romance novels and follow your blog, the truth will not be easy for you to swallow, but I must inform you that “younger” women/girls – however you want to classify them – reading romance novels is not rare. Sorry. If I told you how long my group of friends had been bartering in romance novels you would die. That being said, “starting early” doesn’t mean that a girl-going-on-woman is going to start being hopelessly attracted to the man she hates and all that crap (I still don’t understand that plot line…) I’ve said before that I admire you’re daughter. You said she’s like 20 and hasn’t had a serious boyfriend because she demands respect. I am the same way. I don’t intend on falling into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat, and I do have a well-developed sense of self-worth. I don't think that reading romance novels early on in the game has corrupted me at all. I can read some hot sex scenes and leave them in the pages of the book. But it may bring you comfort that I am going to bed alone, as I should be, so there. 

Now I have a question to ask you. I’m asking for your advice, RM. (From what I can divine from the other readers of this blog, many of the other women might be interesting in this topic, too, just saying) So, I have been told time and time again by my guy friends that I am “intimidating as Hell”. I don’t understand why. To quote one of them, “Katie, you’re tall and you’re intelligent. Therefore, you are intimidating”. To start, I understand that I’m tall – I’m 5’10”, and I don’t have a problem with wearing heels. Okay, I could understand how that’s daunting. And I can see how being perceived as too smart can be intimidating, too, now that I think about it. But on the other hand, if you know me at all – if you know me well enough to know that I’m smart – you should also have noticed that I have a propensity to blurt out scandalous things at inappropriate times. At the same time, I don’t blurt out scandalous things to people I haven’t developed a comfort zone with; I’m kind of shy around people I don’t know that well. How is that intimidating?! Now RM, this is where I’m confused. You are very frustrated that girls tend to act like total morons around guys. You say it’s not attractive and no guy likes a dumb girl (unless he’s dumb already), but look at what we’re told! Smart women are intimidating. What signals can I send that I’m not intimidating? And yes, feel free to steep it heavily in sarcasm; I can handle it. Just please give me something more constructive than “show your tits more”, ‘cause compromising my wardrobe defeats the purpose if I’m going to lose my self-respect in the process. 

Awaiting your hilarious response,

Katie

Hey Katie, first I am going to disappoint you because my response is not going to be hilarious because you asked a serious question which requires a serious answer. It is a subject I have spoken to my daughter about at length. I will tell you exactly what I have told her.

First, I am not at all squeamish about my daughter reading romance novels. I am the one who got her interested in them. I don’t remember saying it bothered me that she read them but if I did I was joking, probably about Wolf Tales. No one under fifty should read those books and they should only be read in the presence of a therapist. I know young women read romance and I think it’s great because romance novels do have a lesson to teach about love and commitment. Most romance novels end with the two characters in love and making a commitment to each other and I am a big fan of commitment. When critics put the genre down they always refer to the sex and consider it porn for women or lately “mommy porn”.  They never focus on the positives: men treating women well, women as strong people and most important the idea that committing yourself to another human being can be good and fulfilling. Even the most hardcore romance novels have an underlying theme about love and commitment. I have talked to my daughter about this and reading these books has not made her want to have sex for the sake of having sex. They have reaffirmed her original position that love and commitment is worth waiting for. This doesn’t mean everyone one should wait until they are in a relationship to have sex but for my daughter it means that. She simply does not want to have sex with someone that she does not feel a connection with.  So I am actually happy she is reading romance novels.  It sounds like you are a lot like my daughter which makes you very smart and very special and I am glad that you are waiting until you are ready.

The second part of your question, girls mature faster than boys and you are at an age where you are most likely dealing with boys who are less mature than you and they are probably insecure themselves and as a result don’t know how to deal with smart girls because they don’t feel like they can. Another reason is that like you said a lot of girls act dumb to get a guys attention. I hate this but it is something that some girls do for some reason and I don’t get it. Another problem is in this day and age girls sleep around a lot. My daughter goes to college and lives with four other girls in a house that has a revolving door of boys. She tells me that her roommates bring home a different guy every night. So you are most likely dealing with boys who are used to getting laid whenever they want by girls who act dumb so when they come across a girl who is smart and won’t sleep with them they don’t know how to act and blame you for being intimidating. As far as being tall I have no idea why they would feel intimidated by that. My wife and daughters are tall and beautiful so unless this guy is afraid you are going to beat him up I have no idea why this would intimidate him. Don’t let that bother you there are plenty of tall, beautiful women and they are not intimidating.

Here is my best advice: There will always be men who are intimidated by smart women for whatever reason but as you get older you will find that most men like smart women and are not in any way afraid of them. This is especially true when it comes to picking a partner for life. Men want to be married to someone they can relate to on an intellectual level, someone who is smart. Don’t worry about trying to send signals that you aren’t intimidating you will only wind up making yourself act like someone you aren’t. You are young and this is the time to focus on yourself and what you want to do. There are plenty of men who will be attracted to a girl like you so don’t change who you are. There are two big mistakes I see women make that I think you should avoid:

1. They become so focused on themselves and their careers that they are not open to a relationship and as a result they never find someone. It is good to focus on yourself but you must always be open to the possibility that the right person could come along at anytime and don’t be afraid to recognize when that happens. I have seen a lot of women avoid or walk away from good men and a potential relationship because they felt “I’m young there will be plenty of men in the future” and they wind up alone. Or they only accept a relationship that is completely on their terms. I have seen many women (and men) walk away from relationships because they were completely unwilling to sacrifice any part of themselves for their partner. This will not work and the relationship will fail. Understand that when you do find someone it will require you to give up some of yourself, some of your independence and you will not always get what you want. Accept that and expect the same from your partner.

2. The second mistake I see is women who do the complete opposite. They are so desperate for a relationship that they fall for every guy that smiles at them. Obviously this is not good either and will lead to nothing but multiple failed relationships. You don’t sound like that kind of girl though so I don’t think that will be a problem for you.

There is a woman who works for Facebook who is going around the country lecturing women on the importance of equality in a relationship. She is a very successful woman and is on her second marriage to a very successful man. They are both rich and they have nannies and private jets and what not. She talks about her marriage as if she has the perfect solution for everyone. She says her and her husband split everything 50-50 and she emphasizes that her and her husband put their careers first and that you should never accept any relationship that is not always 50-50. I think this is bad advice and will eventually lead her to a third marriage.

Here’s the thing, marriage and relationships are hard and are not always 50-50. There will be times when you carry the load and there will be times when he carries the load. If I took her advice I would have been divorced a long time ago and I think most people would because she never says anything about sacrifice and how important it is in a successful relationship.

Be who you are and you will find someone that will love you for it and when you do love him back and accept him for who he is and you will be fine.

PS It disappoints me that you think I would offer you a sarcastic response or tell you to “show your tits more”. This makes me think you misunderstand my blog.   

DOUCHEBAG

I’m late to the party on this one but I am going to add my two cents anyway. This happened in January before I had this blog so I didn’t even know about it until yesterday. Apparently this guy wrote a blog post titled “The Problem with Romance Novels”. I am not going to mention his name or link to his blog because I don’t want to drive traffic to his site because he is an idiot and that is what he wants. You could easily google it and find it but I ask that you don’t because that will make him seem more important than he is. He is a nobody and I would like it to remain that way. Apparently when he wrote this piece a lot of romance readers and writers tried to comment on his blog but he would delete their comments but the blog post was talked about quite a bit in the romance community.

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