Since I started this blog I have avoided controversial issues. Most of the time I write stupid stuff and try to be funny. That’s mainly because I don’t take life to serious and there are only a few issues I am really concerned about. I have daughters so I am concerned with girls/women’s issues and I have a pet turtle so I am concerned with non-consensual turtle sex. Other than that not too much bothers me. Tonight is different. There is an issue I need to discuss that may cause an uproar but I can’t remain silent anymore…I am sick of author’s interrupting a great sex scene so the hero can put on a rubber. I know it’s their book and they can write whatever they want but it completely kills the mood. Here I am pretending to be the hero and I’m about to stick my one eyed love muscle into her moist cock garage and I have to stop so my fantasy avatar can put on a condom. This sucks. Talk about a chubby killer.
I understand it’s an industry requirement and I know we all want to promote safe sex but here’s my problem. It’s all a fantasy, it isn’t real. Just like vampires aren’t real and people who can turn into dragons or wolves aren’t real or women who have orgasms as soon as you touch their clit aren’t real. It’s all fantasy that’s why we read these books so we can pretend we are someone else for a while. So why is we can pretend to believe in shapeshifters but we can’t pretend there isn’t VD or unwanted pregnancies in romancelandia?
I know I can’t take on Big Romance and win so I have been trying to figure out a solution to this problem. First I thought of holding a convention with all romance authors and readers and we would all just agree that this is a fantasy and there are no diseases or unwanted pregnancies in this genre. Unfortunately I am busy on the weekend I wanted to hold the convention so I can’t do it. I then thought maybe there could just be a warning label on the cover that says “the characters in this book do not have safe sex because they aren’t real and can’t really get sick or pregnant but if you ever have sex with a man who turns into a wolf or a vampire you should make sure he wears a condom”. I don’t think this would work though just like the warning labels on cigarettes don’t work. But I think I have found a solution. All the author has to do is address the issue right away and get it over with. It could be done directly as soon as the hero and heroine first meet:
Hero: Hi, my name is Bob.
Heroine: Hi Bob, I’m Sarah.
Hero: Although we currently hate each other for no apparent reason I can feel the sexual tension and I have a feeling we might have sex later.
Heroine: I can feel it too do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
Hero: Sure.
Heroine: When is the last time you were checked for AIDS and VD?
Hero: Last week, I’m clean. How about you?
Heroine: Same, I’m clean too.
Hero: Are you on the pill?
Heroine: Yes but not because I’m a slut it’s for “female” reasons.
Hero: Cool. Do you think you’ll be sucking my womb ferret when we have sex?
Heroine: You mean your cock?
Hero: What?
Heroine: Never mind. I probably will but that doesn’t matter because you don’t need a condom for that apparently.
Hero: Awesome!
Heroine: Are going to lick my pussy?
Hero: You mean wetness or sex or core?
Heroine: What?
Hero: Never mind. While I’m down there I will lick your small nub of hard flesh is that ok?
Heroine: You mean my clit?
Hero: What?
Heroine: Never mind.
Thanks to Ruthie for womb ferret!
OMG, RM!! Excuse the excessive exclamation ponts, but I am actually the very first person to comment on this post!!! That's never happened before! Usually I roll in here midway through the second hundred comments and have to jump in blind.
OK, now that I'm over my complete amazement, I can say that this is one reason why I'm glad to be an historical author and able to skirt the issue altogether, but can't wait to read what contemp authors have to say on the subject . . . you know those authors who will be posting after me . . . because I'm first . . . number one . . . numero uno . . . just sayin . . .
Alix!!! It always makes my day when you show up. You must have been hanging out and waiting for this
You are up next on my TBR pile. I can't wait.
By the way, I wrote a whole post with you in it and you never said a word
Moist cock garage? Lol. RM this really bothers you? I have to say its never bothered me either way And I thought we were buddies—I emailed you again today =).
"I’m about to stick my one eyed love muscle into her moist cock garage" LMFAO!!! I love the 'moist cock garage'!!!
As I stated in my comments on that one post on whatever day that was, I am in TOTAL agreement on this! Total mood killer! That's what I love about writing my paranormals. Condoms aren't necessary because I can make my immortals unable to contract/carry diseases or reproduce. Unless I want them to. Then I just make shit up so that it's the exception to the rule. Becuz I'm the fucking ruler of those worlds and I can do whatever the hell I want. (Warning: Gina might have a slight God complex)
I tried convincing my editor to let me put in an Author's Note in the beginning of the book. You know, it'd be like, this book is dedicated to so and so cause they're awesome and shit, I'd like to all these people cause they're pretty swell too, and oh, by the way, you won't find any of my heroes wrapping their tools in this book because my characters take care of their junk and it's also physically impossible to get pregnant unless they have a mature discussion about wanting to raise mini hellions together. Thanks, and I hope you enjoy my sexual utopia.
She didn't go for it, so poor Reid has to glove his love, but only once. Cause then I make it so they don't need it. *evil grin*
Scarlet, I got your emails. Sorry I haven't responded the new site is kicking my ass. I haven't even read them yet but I will and I'll get back to you.
RM, I have actually read more than one romance novel where a discussion similar in content (but not vocabulary) to the one above has happened. They discuss whether or not they need a condom before they get to the bedroom. And I have also read more than one romance novel where the woman puts on the condom, often with her mouth, and it seems to work for the guy. There aren't many posts here yet so I will be interested in other's opinions, but as a reader of romances for over 30 years, (thousands of books?), I can honestly say it doesn't bother me. If I can think of a book where I felt like it didn't kill the mood or interupt the pacing, I will let you know. Again, as a reader, it doesn't bother me.
Well it bothers me Diane, OK, it bothers me!
And it doesn't bother you Diane because your avatar isn't the one that has to wear it.
Yes, Gina, me too. like the paranormals b/c they don't carry disease or get us stupid humans pregnant!!.
But when I first started reading romances a few years ago, I was impressed there was such a wide use of condoms. I remember in the 70's; guys didn't like the 'sock'. it takes away some sensation, and it breaks too. Lots of babies born using condoms for birth control.
when the reader sees the guy happily applying a condom, suddently it feels much more natural to do it. Now that I am older than 30, I think, wtf, 20 yr olds get an orgasm just by thinking about sex, why are they worried about the loss of a little sensation?
Anyway, it is good modeling for the younger readers; and they really have something to worry about. HIV had not been created in the 70's. You could get the clapp, but it wouldn't kill you!
The erotic novels I have noticed recently…I would expect the inexperienced to shy away from those books; being too much like 'porn' (its not, but a closed mind might think that) and so the erotic romance I think should have free reign. As adults, we should have learned by now how to apply the rubber. How to not get pregnant. Unless the author wants the character to. Birth control is only 99% effective, and there's plenty of interference – i.e. antibiotics and other stuff.
I'm getting on early for a change!!!!!! Womb ferret???? Licking her sexual nub…did you forget the hood?
Gina your SUCH a tease!!!! " glove his love" ? Just once? Argh……..
Alix, congrats on being number one!!!! It's hard, because we're usually all typing at once for a new blog post!
For some reason, while reading a contemporary novel, it will kind of jump into my mind. Usually If there LOST in there passion, and forget, there are all kinds of recriminations after. The old " I'll stand by you no matter what" talk. Authors do kind of make it a game when the heroine grabs the condom, and drives him CRAZY WITH PASSION, putting it on with her teeth. Never could figure that one out?! Wouln't it hurt, or rip? Oh well, can't wait to see the rest of the responses.
S
OMG ….Diane we posted the same thing, course me after you…..
LG. very true thoughts…if your reading erotic novels, your already in another " genre" .
Can't wait to see what's coming!!
Pat, lips over teeth, lips over teeth…..
Well, RM, your avatar doesn't have to sleep in the wet spot when a condom isn't used!
@Gina. That should be "GODDESS" instead of God complex, sugar, and you're precious. "Glove his love" *snort* Whether it's admitted or not, Goddesses are the ones running shit;)
I have to get away from this fucking computer but made the mistake of taking a quick peek and once again, the post along with the comments have entertained me like a, well, "one eyed love muscle." OMG. I lost it on "womb ferret" and bow to Ruthie—who's next book I've already preordered. "Cock garage" was awesome.
I'm working on comments in a separate document but I have to leave now. Later, dudes.
P.S. RM-Remy…I left you a "graphic" on the RM FB page.
Okay…I'm going to differ with RM on this one. In my Wolf Tales series, condoms aren't necessary because the Chanku are immune to human diseases and the women can consciously control pregnancy–that's part of the "world" I've created for them, and yes, Gina-we're authors BECAUSE we have that God complex! Remember m'dears: my world, my rules.
However, when I write contemporary romances where conception is an issue, or disease a threat, my characters wear protection. For one thing, when the hero dons a condom, he becomes more heroic–he is willing to forego a certain amount of pleasure in order to protect the heroine. That's a huge point in romance, in that he's taking responsibility. I make it part of the scene and try to keep it funny or poignant or whatever, but it happens because I am personally taken out of the story when birth control and disease aren't addressed.
I've joked for years that I grew up at the perfect time for a young woman–after "The Pill," and before AIDS and herpes, but the point is, those are a factor of today's sexual experience, and they're too big to sweep under the rug. I believe those scenes can be addressed as part of the story, the verbal foreplay, so to speak, but they will ALWAYS be addressed in my books because, while it might take some out of the story, it will bring a lot more readers IN to the story, and they'll enjoy the scene better because they're not, in the back of the mind, wondering why the hero doesn't take better care of his woman.
So, RM, if your one-eyed love muscle comes anywhere near one of my heroine's cock garages, you'd damned well be wearing a bumper protector. Just sayin'…
Cant say as it bothers me either way depends on the setting and the characters , i mean if its a real gritty contemporary then yeah i can imagine the Heroine tellin Hero there is a jacket requirement in this establishment but otherwise Nope No Jacket required . 'Definatly gotta remember 'Womb Ferret ' and find a way to get that in at least 2 conversations this week LMAO
This goes to show how well I know Kate. I told my wife Kate would disagree with this. I didn't think she would bitch slap me like she did but I knew she would.t like it
Kate, beautifully said…..And I love the bumper protector for his one- eyed love muscle !
Oh, I forgot RM, Every woman is on BC for female reasons !!!!!
Now that I've been reading romance novels for a while, if someone doesn't put on a condom, I DO jump and say WHOA! he forgot! There was a novel that I read, the guy was so in the thrall (not a paranormal), that he forgot the condom, and he spoke to his lover afterwards, telling her he forgot, so sorry. Then she said, thats okay, I'm on the pill. Uggghh.. why didn't she say that in the first place and skip the damn condom!!! They are fucking in-LOVE! They are never gonna fuck another person in their life, even if this relationship doesn't work out. No one else gets them horny anymore!!
Lol. I love you Kate! You are too funny!
Pat, know but I actually read that in a book
You are right RM…….in books they always make it clear that the heroine is on the " pill" because of female problems. Heaven forbid they be promiscuous (sp?)……that woman is always the slutty friend or sister!
I have to agree with Kate and Lady G. Sorry, RM. I heard from my little cousin who I turned onto romances that only good guys wear condoms and that she's got NO TIME for one who won't. These may be " just stories" but I do think you can still take lessons from them just like real stories.
And I will no longer look at ferrets the same way again. :-p
Also not certain you should be writing romances. Lol!
Another home run!
Normally it doesn't bother me probably because I read alot of paranormal and they don't need it. Gotta love erotica when there is no discussion, just a rip/snap/bang.
When I read a contemporary it does bug me for some reason. I actually brought it up once in a review. I think it was the setting; a sweet sensual read, with notes of responsibility and lurve and then no damn condom. Now that I sit here rethinking it…it was because it was something a teenager would read. Bugged the ever loving bugshit outta me.
For fucks sake, it's only fantasy?? Not real?
Blew my Friday to hell!
(there goes my hopes for neon purple, condom wearing, vampire sex.)
Well, RM, you asked for hubby's input… and I quote, "Ya don't want your pecker to blow up or fall off, do ya?"
I find, when reading contemporary series written by the same person, if they figure out a way to let the reader know that the "hero" of each particular story is generally a responsible feller when it comes to "suiting up", when they find their special mate and (for whatever reason) forego the condom, it's always exciting to read the hero's reaction when he realizes why it felt so good. I mean, c'mon… why're we reading these great books to begin with?!
RM, you said: It’s all fantasy that’s why we read these books so we can pretend we are someone else for a while.
That is the second point in your post I disagree with you on. That is why I dislike 1st person point of view so much. I don't read fiction to pretend I'm the heroine. I read fiction just like you watch a movie. The whole story pulls me in and sweeps me away. When I read a contempory romance I don't expect fantasy. I expect a real, honest portrayal of a relationship. And, frequently, I will identify more with the hero's personality than the heroine's. I don't "pretend to believe in shapeshifters". I am suspending this reality and accepting the author's reality. So maybe that is why it bothers you and not me. I think we are reading romances from different viewpoints. (BTW, how do you know vampires and shapeshifters don't exist? Can you conclusively prove that?)
I have to agree with Kate and everyone else – sorry, RM. If it is a contemporary, I am always looking for how they address the "don't be silly, cover your willy" issue. If they don't, it drives me bat-shit crazy.
There is lots of ways to deal with it, and it shows the hero is looking for more than a place to park in the one-eyed trouser snake for the night.
I guess for me it depends on the story. Paranormals don't usually have them unless of course the woman is mortal and doesn't know she won't get anything then the hero will wear 1 and its always nice to get into his head about what he is thinking, like, wish she knew then wouldn't need this damn thing blah,blah…
In the contemps it can be made very sensual. but the best is when he is so excited his hands shake trying to open the wrapper.
But the best and you know they had a great night of monkey sex is by how many wrappers are all over the room.
As long as the author gets them out of using them somewhere in the story that makes it better.
Oh, I almost forgot, left you couple of pics on facebook.
Thanks to this blog I have layers of Diet Mountain Dew, milk, and hot coffee in my nose. Snort, choke, yada, yada, yada! Bravo! I'm sorry I've read all the archive and have to wait for new wisdom to be posted. Comments are as hysterical as the blog. What a wonderful group.
Yes Diane I can prove it
Off topic a bit…I was thinking about these lovelies when RM commented about all of Kate's stuffed animals. Just found a site for them. Thought for sure they would be nonexistent by now. I bought mine like 15 years ago. These popped up when beanie babies came up. Anyways, I'm proud to introduce…..weenie babies!
http://www.sillytown.com/weenies/weenie.html
OMG, Toni, Vinnie da Stallion? The Masturgator? Snort
SO PROVE IT!
Good thoughts! I have been wondierng the difference betwenn writing hot sex in a romance novel, or erotica, or just plain porn. Very interested to see the responses.
ON another note and to side track but we had talked about book prices. well lawsuits are being filed now and Nathan Bradsford, a book agent turned author, has written something about the pricing of books and how it all works.
http://news.cnet.com/8301-1023_3-57412587-93/why-e-books-cost-so-much/
now back to talking about taking the skin boat to tuna town.
RM- You cannot prove vamps and werewolves don't exist! That would ruin my life long plans…
Someday..way in the future, if my hubs goes before me, some hot and sexy vamp or shifter will fall madly in love with me and turn me young and sexy again!!!!
RM, you had me on board until you named your hero Bob.
Diane I agree with you again! I told you we are long lost twins =). I thought that maybe I was weird because I didn't pretend to be the heroine or pretend to be in the story (yes RM I know, I am weird anyway =). I too read a book as if I'm watching a movie play out and I want a realistic storyline that I can relate to. I find if I can't relate to the characters then I lose interest in their story. As far as paranormal books, I don't read many, but when I do, I read with the understanding that it is make believe and I can then accept any parts that are unrealistic in the 'real' world. I don't know if that made sense or not but I think you can catch my drift.
Diane it's very complex you would't understand
Kris, it was either Bob or Bill
Scarlet, you're right it made no sence
Scarlet, it made perfect sense to me, seriously. Ignore him.
RM, RM, what to do with you? I'm throwing down. You have no proof. You are bluffing. You are resorting to insulting my intelligence and that of all the BBL because YOU GOT NOTHING!
Yes I do Diane but it is a little over your head. Has to do with biology and stuff. When we meet I will make sure to bring a box of crayons so I can explain it
So the little woman wouldn't understand it? When we meet, I am so gonna kick your ass ….. and stuff. Real brave with 6 states separating us. Go wash your hands.
I have noticed a trend in books lately where the 30 something hero is waxing poetic on how good the sex was with the heroine when he forgot to suit up because it's the first time he's EVER had sex without a condom. I recently read a book where the 34 year old hero has been sexually active since he was 14 and had previously been married for 3 years but this is the first time EVER he's had sex without a condom. OK, I call bullshit.
Diane? Do you notice how condescending RM gets when he KNOWS he's not only wrong, but looking rather foolish? And dear RM…I did NOT bitch slap you. I, in a very dignified and adult manner, explained my take on the whole condom issue.
On another note, when I was in college and we ran out of water balloons in a water balloon fight at the dorm, I discovered that if you fill a trojan condom with water on the second floor, ease it out the window and let it hang, it will stretch ALMOST to the ground floor before breaking. And yes, I knew all of you would be agog at that bit of condom trivia I learned first hand in my freshman year of college.
Kate, there might be science and stuff that would explain the stretching condom but I'm sure I wouldn't understand it.
Diane it has nothing to do with you being a girl it has to do with you being Diane and you don't scare me *sticks tongue out^
Lori, I agree and call bullshit on that one
Kate, I still love you no matter how many times you crush my spirit
I am sitting here wide eyed…..RM, you DID NOT challenge Diane???? Saying she didn't understand??? You better wear a "cup" when your out in public. Diane is in "MOB" country. Sister, I'll hold your jacket or purse, or heels, whatever works.
Kate you made me remember something from my young and drunken days. I have a friend who puts a condom on his head and blows it up till it pops! I'm trying to find a picture to post.
Diane, now I feel bad, I'm sorry. I don't like being mean. as Gina would say squished whatever the fuck that means
A guest speaker in a public health course I couldn't get out of stretched a condom over her head to prove the stretch factor and disprove the need for "sizes"! Brightest moment in an otherwise blaahh class. Amazing things …..
Kate, will you please tell Diane there is no such thing as shapeshifters
Yeah, Pat, and I was just in South Philly this morning so I can feel the mojo. RM, me and my associate Pat Bagadonuts, don't think youse are showing the proper respect … and stuff.
Oh RM don't apologize. Cause then I will have to apologize when I dis you. And I really like insulting you. And it makes me laugh my ass off when you insult me. OK, it is a little sick but face it, we aren't normal. Like you said, we only tease the ones we love. Besides that, I know I am smarter than you so you can't make me feel bad about that. You are a better swimmer. And you can write your name in the snow while peeing. That's about it. Everything else, I am your better. Oh yeah squishes right back at ya!
Bitch
And I can write my name in the snow with semen
Diane don't woory I'm sure Kate will take our side, they do exist until proven otherwise,
Oh, I couldn't find a pic of my friend but its amazing what you can find by googling!
Condom blown up on head on Facebook!
Okay, okay, UNCLE! This is the funniest one yet, and the comments are even more so. Plus all the graphics on RM's FB page that no one can post here. Randy Raccoon Weenie Babies? Grasshoppers turning into their mothers? The lead sperm saying Everyone Go Back, It's a Blow Job? And just now the condom balloon on somone's head? Hooo-hah!
But, to answer your question, RM. I came across that very problem in my current WIP. I write contemporary erotic romance. I'm getting them ready for the menage, see, and the heroine is humping H2 (hero #2) and I was well into the scene before I realized he wasn't wearing one (no funny euphemisms, I can't think straight). I couldn't figure out a way to *ahem* insert the putting-on scene prior, so I had her say, I know what you want, and she does the BJ so H1 can do his thing from behind, and of course being the main hero, H1 uses the rubber but she (and the reader) doesn't know that until after.
Worse, for me, is finding a polite way of disposing of it afterward. Even though you just say, he turned away and wadded the condom in a tissue, that's an ick factor. But I too feel you have to be realistic. And yes, she will wind up having unprotected sex before the book is over, but that's a way of declaring their love.
WOW RM, that sure must take alot of seman to write The Romance Man. You must have superpowered balls to produce that much at 1 time!
That means I have declared my love to women I didn't even know
I doesn't bother me either way but what does really bother me is when people say that authors have to put the condom in the story because if it's not then we are all going to run around having unprotected sex. I mean are there really ladies out there who would say "Well they didn't use a condom in that romance book I just read and no one got pregnant or got STD's so I'm not gonna make my boyfriend wear one."? I'm seriously, people aren't that naive, right?
Okay, I'm sticking to my guns on this one. I still hate the condoms. The ONLY thing that's even remotely a plus is that it adds another level of sensation for when the hero finally gets to do without a condom. Otherwise, pfffft. And I'm not saying that by getting rid of the "mood killer" we're essentially teaching people that it's okay to have unprotected sex. That's what the purpose is for the "fantasy acknowledgement" before the reader starts the book. That way, they know from the get-go that this is not that kind of world where people are at risk for funky fungis, etc.
AND HERE'S MY QUESTION FOR ALL OF YOU WHO THINK IT'S A NECESSARY ASPECT IN ANY CONTEMPORARY:
If it's SOOOOOO important that they use a condom to protect themselves from disease transference during sex, WHY IS IT OKAY TO PUT YOUR BARE MOUTH ON THEIR COCK OR PUSSY?!?! It's a little hypocritical, IMO.
*jumps off soap box*
P.S. Remy, it's *SQUISHES* and it means I'm giving out adorable fucking hugs! Now you're getting any anymore. Some thanks I get for being the only one who's on board with you on this one. Harumph.
That's exactly what it means crazygranny
THANK YOU STEPHANIE, THANK YOU
crazygranny, what an image!
THANK YOU, STEPHANIE!!! Another one for TEAM NEKKID!!!
Gina, didn't you read that article I found that grossed everyone out when Remy wouldn't wash his hands? I'm not saying you are wrong! (Please don't hurt me.) But…. saliva is a very poor environment for germs. Our bodies developed that way so things get killed in our mouths before they enter our system. But I can't wait to read your condomless book! Rubber free! WooHoo!
OK, RM has called me a bitch so my work here is done. Good night everyone. Latex or latex free, sweet dreams!
Well, I don't know what to say….. writng your name in the snow with semen????? Priceless…..
Just flashed on my news feed….Brad and Angelina are engaged. Didn't want anyone to go to bed without knowing that!!
Well, it's up to the late-nighters. It's 11:00, and hopefully my iPad has recharged enough for me to go back to reading Kate's…. Cowboy in My Pocket. Soon to be followed by closed eyes! Too many early mornings this week!
Good Morning Luci!!!! I'm sure you'll be here soon. Night everyone!!
I just can't imagine giving a blow job while he is wearing a condom,a hand job would be OK but I'm not ever putting a condom in my mouth. I'm glad I grew up when they were not a necessity.
Diane, I would never hurt you. Remy's got that on lockdown.
And my book can't be condomless. Editor won't let me. *pouty face*
No, I didn't read that article, but even if our mouths aren't conducive to harboring germs, who wants to think about putting their mouth where someone could have a herpes outbreak or genital warts or gonorrhea? Now, OBVIOUSLY the h/h won't HAVE these things, but that's my point! If we aren't concerned with what they're putting their mouths on (because we already know they're disease free) why are we concerned about them plugging themselves into each other.
OR, you can say, "well, we as the readers know they won't have diseases, but the characters can't assume that, just like in real life." Then why aren't the characters concerned about putting their mouths on someone's privates without knowing their history. For all they know, they have HIV or just got done having an orgy with 12 strippers, 2 midgets and a donkey!
And WHY have I not had any support or at least a virtual knuckle bump from you, Remy. Here I am, fighting the good fight against safe sex (wow does that sound irresponsible and rebellious!), and I get NO acknowledgement from you. Christ, you get on my shit list fast.
I prefer to infer protection or at least a Gonoherpesyphllaids-free fantasy. Is that PC? It's Romance not communicable disease manuals.
. Brad and Angie engaged? The world is at peace now.
OK, I had to get out of bed for this. Snow is white. Semen is white. RM, how do we know you are even really spelling anything?
Diane. Highlight the spoilers?
RM, In honor of your condom post I had to share these silly condom jokes. Most are lame but some made me chuckle and some are just weird. "Avoid a frown, contain your clown" or "It's always funky to cage your monkey." I can honestly say I've never heard of a penis being called a clown or monkey before! O.o
1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud your spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
What would really be funny is if the male character spouted off one of these gems while he's putting on the condom!
Hey! **whistles** Time Out Everybody. Good Grief. I go read a book that I'm going to Review for RM, and I come back to a free for all.
RM , I thought you had better control of this site! You are working so hard on it.
Gina, I think that the lightweight romance writers, the ones who write in very little sex, should use the condoms, every time. Those kids need a good example to follow. And the heavy sex writers, they should get a pass b/c they have a more mature audience. You know, I am not going to meet a guy, decide to fuck him, and say to myself, 'hey, that book didn't use condoms, so why should I?" I have a few more brain cells working than that! Oh, and I'm not going to fuck someone I don't know, anyway!
A kid isn't going to be able to read those heavy sex scenes b/c his/her eyes will be crossed from the action. Shit, my eyes practically cross going through those scenes! And those BDSM writers, surely their characters aren't going to stop long enough to roll one on!
Oh, and RM, shapeshifters, vampires, and werewolves really do exist, and I will explain it to you, but you have to understand string theory and quantum physics first!! Right, Kate?
I am so glad to be enlightened that a condom can stretch one whole story outside a dorm room window!! Never knew that, thanks Kate.
Sorry Gina, I was over on your blog giving you squishes. Thanks for fighting the good fight against safe sex. Besides you didn't need my help you were kickin ass on your own
Goddam Stephanie, how long did it take you to come up with that list? Good one but you forgot "put a helmet on that soldier"
Diane, my semen is blue. I am a smurf
I see both sides of this discussion. I used to notice it and it bugged me a bit, but then I got thinking about it… There are all ages (and maturity levels of most likely) women that will read this book; of those women, there will be the ones who know better… and there will be those that still need it reinforced; those who know better are surely mature enough to look past the slight inconvenience and those who aren't, maybe this book will help reinforce the fact that in today's day and age it's not only important but expected, appreciated, and not as "uncool" as it used to be to do or expect from your partner. So, in most books I can see it as the responsible thing to do to use condoms in your books.
That being said, I've read a lot of books by a lot of authors, in a lot of subcategories of romance. When I pick up a book, I figure out what I'm in the mood for, just how naughty or sweet I want. I tend to choose my books more by author because I'm familiar with their writing style. If I want a cowboy bad boy, I'm going for Lorelei James. If I want to get away from today's issues but wanna keep it naughty, Sarah McCarty. If I'm kinda burned out on sex and need a good story line to distract me from days events, Patricia Briggs (yeah, not romance, but Mercedes and Adam? …It's got romance). Carol Lynne for a M/M suspense quick read. I guess what I'm trying to say is I kinda know what to expect from these authors. If you don't want to read about condoms, read paranormal/urban fantasy, where you know they are used less, if at all. It is what you make of it.
RM, would you rather your daughter read romances that are going to promote casual sex without the use of a condom?
Stephanie, that's not the reason that I put condoms on my heroes–it's because I don't want my readers worrying about the heroine having unprotected sex with a jackass, because that's what a guy is who doesn't think to protect the woman. I'm not concerned about teaching readers anything–I want them to enjoy the story and not worry about stuff like that. AND, the reason it's important is because when I read a romance where protection isn't used, that takes ME out of the story. As far as the writing, it's a totally personal issue for most authors. I've never had a publisher tell me my characters had to use condoms or not–it's my choice as an author to either write a "world reality" where they're not necessary, or have my characters use them if–in their particular world–a condom makes sense.
In fact, for those who've read my Wolf Tales where there's often explicit anal sex, it's a running joke that when there are mixed couples involved in a mini-orgy, the guys always wear a condom for anal sex because the women insist, but when it's just guys they don't worry about it. I should find a scene and show you what I mean. If you write it well, it works. If it fits the scene, it's part of the story, and for me, at least, it's an important part of making a sex scene work so that I'm not wondering if there's going to be an unexpected pregnancy or another issue. Of course, that's the problem with loving to read when you're also an author–I'm always picking stories apart as I read them, wondering where the author is taking me.
LG, shapeshifters definitely exist. Not so sure about vampires, but the werewolves are probably real, too. I mean, I don't write total fiction, ya know?
And RM? Blue? Are you shittin' me? BLUE? I think I need to go hunt for a stinky, sweaty sex scene….
Morning Pat!! Off to start my long day. Nothing to add here other than i am alwsys out to get the hero who forgot to put on the condom. Haha! You forgot!!! Now you have to explain how you couldn't help it and just had to stick it in at that moment and explode.
RM it does not take much to kill your mood – they cover up super fast in romances.
I love the historicals that use the precursers to condoms
. They are historically interesting.
Gina, good point on the oral sex issue.
RM, I didn't make the list, I found it on facebook and copy and pasted.
Kate, I understand what you're saying. As a reader it doesn't affect my experience reading the story whether or not a condom is used but I can see how it could be distracting for some people. I didn't mean to offend but clearly I'm not making any sense so off to bed I go.
PS Kate, I have read all of the Wolf Tales and LOVED them!
"Sorry Gina, I was over on your blog giving you squishes. Thanks for fighting the good fight against safe sex. Besides you didn't need my help you were kickin ass on your own."
Aww, you're so totally forgiven. Man, I'm such a sucker for the littlest bit of attention.
But if you truly gave me squishes on my blog (not that you have to or anything) they didn't come through. If you were speaking metaphorically, that's fine too, I was just letting you know in case you really did try posting something.
I'm going to agree with Luci about trying to find the hero who gets caught up in the moment and then having that "Aha! You forgot! NOW what, stud?!" reaction. I do the same thing because if I'm reading a con-rom I know that it's going to be a necessary part of the equation, so I'm trained to expect it. In that respect, it's kind of fun to "catch" them.
Kate, I do understand where you're coming from and respect that for some readers it would take them out of the story. At this point, because I'm so used to expecting them, it would probably take me out of the story too because I'd be all, "WTF? How'd this author get away this?" LOL In the grand scheme of things, it really isn't THAT big of a deal either way to me. Society wants my heroes to glove up or have the "medical history" convo with the heroine? Fine. No BFD. Whatevs. It just gives me and Remy something to bitch about.
In my perfect world, though, I wouldn't have to iterate the use of safe sex. It would just be implied. Just like I don't write about how my characters need to take a nice, healthy dump at some point in the day. But obviously they do. Cause that's real life, and everyone knows our books are real life.
Hi all, another long day of living the good life and then playing catchup on two blog posts…
I have to agree with Kate about being pulled out of the flow of the scene…I am very aware if they don't use a condom in contemp. rom. and if they don't acknowledge it (and I wait for it) I have a WTF moment. So if there isn't a reason for no condom, i.e. it IS part of the flow of the scene, then the lack makes me aware of it for no reason and pulls me out of the story…not where I want to be while reading.
Remy…there are werewolves and other shifters..I know cause I read about them all the time…there are even bunny shifters
Oh yes, I agree MJ there are bunny shifters I have read about them too. They are horny little hoppers, let me tell you.
I side with Kate and the majority of BBL's on the condom issue. I would do a WTF? if it was missing from the story. Reading is fantasy (and most especially the sex) but there is subtle education going on as well. Shit fire, during my early impressionable years, we knew zip about birth control or diseases except syphilis. "Getting pregnant" was on the same level as life imprisonment for ______________ (fill in the blank). Nobody ever talked about "rubbers" as they were called back in the day because only really bad boy men bought them and "good" girls didn't "go all the way" until marriage. Oy! I'm so glad to see the improvement in sex education that's happened over the years. It helps girl women make smarter choices. Having daughters, RM-Remy, you should be glad, very glad.
And clearly, Remy, since you can pee in blue, you're on some serious medication. Colored urine has meaning….
LET ME SHOUT THIS OUT, Remy, SINCE OBVIOUSLY YOU WON'T SEE IT UNLESS I DO. DID YOU NOT LOVE THE SPERM POSTER I PUT ON YOUR FB PAGE? WAS IT NOT A PERFECT GRAPHIC TO ACCOMPANY, "THE WORLD'S GREATEST ATHLETE"? Don't even tell me that you can't find it…you found crazygranny above and Toni below. Man up, and give me the skinny as to what's going on or I'm calling Diane, the Super Bitch:)
Nancy I LOVE the sperm poster
, and I believe Remys sperm is blue, not his urine, which probably points to his being an alien as opposed to ill or on strange medication..
Nancy – I think he was just stunned stupid about it. It was absolutely perfect for that past and probably just wished he would have had the visual aid to go with the original post.
I wonder if this one will go thru Oh Well have i been Banned already??? LOL when in an Historical Romance and someone talks about the precurser / original condoms it ALWAYS made me feel ill ~Sheep gut UGH!!!!!!!
Hi Luci……I sent you a message on FB yesterday! Hope you have a great with the lasers!!!!!!
OK. RM….. Blue Semen, SMURF???? You dug deep for that one. so Lexiie is a Smurfette? Just can' picture it! Theire probably is some medical condition to give you blue Pee! Probably from not washing your hands!!!!
Good morning all !!!!!
Hey Debbie, I have had a million conversations with my daughter about safe sex so it is not something she needs to pick up from a book. So I wouldn't care if she read books that didn't have it because she knows better.
Gina, I did post on your blog right underneath Kates post. It didn't go through?
Nancy I did see the sperm picture and I commented on that too did that not work either? Fuck, I cannot figure this shit out.
After reading romance novels for over 40 years, and those first 20 not involving condoms, I've actually gotten to the point where I notice it immediately if it's forgotten. I admit it's sometimes annoying to have to stop the sex play, especially when said condom is not anywhere near wherever they are doing it, but until later in the relationship after they've discussed the "safety and pregnancy
issue", I expect safe sex! UNLESS it's a paranormal and they can get away with pretty much anything!
RM, knowing how you men are and how you all hate rubbers, I do understand your POV! And I know it's all a fantasy…it's just that things got so crazy with HIV and sex actually being able to make you sick enough to DIE that the condom thing became necessary, even in our fantasies! I could probably just as easily get used to no condoms again if that became the norm!
BTW, this post was hilarious…I did my usual laugh out loud, so thanks RM!!
Really, you can't figure something out? Would you like to borrow my crayons?
Thank you Pat for reminding him to wash his hands!
RM- you need to *SUBMIT* to post a comment!
Diane I would really like to come back with a witty comment but I can't yours is too good. Touche' my little friend.
crazygranny, he needs to submit and do what the ladies here tell him to!
Thanks Kaylie and I don't mind condoms. It just seems weird to me that in fantasies with vampires and stuff everyone is worried about condoms.
RM, I will always share my crayons with you! Crayola, 64 colors. You can have the blue. I'm not touching that color.
Diane, I agree. Since you have the crayons I'll bring the paper!
True confession. I love to color. If I'm around a little kid with a coloring book, I find a way to end up on the floor next to them coloring! Hey, crazygranny, any of your grandkids still color?
Serious topic. I have the news on in the background. They are predicting horrible tornados in the middle of the country. If anyone is in their path, please stay safe!
Yes. My grandson is 7 and we color or do crafts or build Star Wars legos every time he comes over. I bought him 1 of those little tykes desks and we go in my craft cave( room) so the mess stays in there. I don't help with the legos he builds those he does by himself by following the instructions. I only help him with the Millennium Falcon that has like 20 little separate sections so I help him pick which 1 to work on. He has a bookcase at home where he keeps all the finished lego sets.
I don't feel like working today. Anyone want to come over and get drunk. We could go to the Cocoa Beach pier and look at chicks in bikini's
Okay, Last night Captcha wouldn't let me post, so here goes nothing……
Oh there must be another Lulu out there! Hi other Lulu!
Lol!!!! Moist cock garage, small nub of hard flesh, and womb ferret? Hilarious RM!
Sorry RM, but I agree with Diane, Kate, Teri, and LG. It personally doesn’t bother me that the hero pauses to put on a love glove. Actually, like Kate said, I think it shows how much the hero wants to take care of his woman. I can see your point too, though. If I were a male reading romance novels and could relate more to the hero, I could see how it would be a buzz kill. Also, I don’t understand why novels don’t take into consideration that oral sex can lead to STD’s too. I guess it must turn a reader off to have to read about the possibility of contracting a deadly disease.
Oh yeah, you and MMM head over there and pick out a good spot. The rest of us will pick up the liquor and meet you over there. I promise.
I'm on my way, bring the crayons.
Can I come, I'll be quiet? I could bring the magic markers, in case we get serious. Could I please?????
Kate Douglas really stated this elegantly already, but I am all for safe(r) sex in romance novels, especially contemporary (which I write). I'm definitely a worst case scenario type of woman, and when I'm reading a book and he doesn't use a condom, I get very agitated, even if later, they have a chat about it and they both agree they're clean and she's on the pill. She's *always* on the pill–why is that? Anyway, it kills my own mood, or at the very least is in the back of my mind. There have been some books I've read where I'm actually not as focused on what's happening in the scene because I'm waiting for them to have "the conversation."
Also, I think it speaks to the man's character that he's willing to put a halt to things just as they're getting started so that he can see to her safety. And yes, his own safety, too! It's very gentlemanly and personally, I think that men taking care of their women in this way is hot.
Listen, I'm a little short of cash. Can I borow the Romance Man corporate AmEx to buy the liquor? You can trust me. Again, I promise.
Pat, you are going shopping, I mean, you are going with me to buy the "liquor".
Yes!!!! I'll shop with you! Can we get some ice cream too? Maybe some diet coke for me? thanks for letting me come Diane. I think RM's ignoring me again. BLOW JOB…..maybe that will get his attention.
oh boy… I'm sorry guys… I have no recollection of posting last night. LOL I guess that's what happens when I come home and take a vicodin "before I got to bed."
Pat – LMAO that should get his attention!
I have to work today… but when I get off I'll be your DD.
Elisabeth, I agree. While I joke about how much I love the hot sex in the books, I read the books just as much, if not more, for the character development. I want to know by the end of the book, that they are going to love each other through mortgages, kids, wrinkles, etc. The "conversation" kind of speaks to that for me.
Another point. I know that the ladies here are assertive and smart and confident. So they know all about safe sex. But remember RM talking about never faking orgasms? Well, women who are too timid to tell a man that they aren't coming are the same women who would never argue when he says he doesn't need a glove. Maybe, just maybe, if she sees that it is status quo in a romance novel, she might get the words to have that discussion. Or find a decent guy. So yeah the women on this blog? We might not need to read that. But if it helps even one woman to be more sexually confident? A good thing.
Ok Debbie, thanks, but I only drink diet coke, so depending how many come, we can BOTH be designated drivers. This will be fun! Maybe Lexie will come too!
Of course you are invited Pat and I'm not ignoring you.
Elisabeth, I get your point but that's why I think they should have the discussion right away in the beginning of the book. Just to get it out of the way.
Yes Diane, you can borrow the RM Amex. The cool thing about that card is you get double points for buying dildos
Pat and Debbie, we will absolutely get some ice cream flavored "liquor" when we go shopping. And I have the charge card. I will rent a limo. Nobody needs to drive!
Debbie, reality is for people who can't handle drugs!
Well, just to help you rack up the points…….
Well, I have been quiet, as usual, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with the " bumper cover" people. God, I loved that Kate. From a generation of not having to worry about HIV, and if you were on the pill you were " safe" , it's a scary world out there. RM….I know you talk about safe sex with your girls, but the same has to be done for our boys!!!!! I did my best to convince my kids, pregnancy, STDs, they are all awful, but if you have unprotected sex, male or female, You can DIE!!! I know medical technology has come a long way, but at best it's a life sentence. I vote for the condoms. Aliens , shapeshifters, wolves, and vampires. Let me try this again……..Blow Job…….hello……..?
Well since its RM's cc, we will definitely need the alcohol whipped cream, screaming orgasms, blow jobs, slow comfortable screws, screw drivers ect…Pina Coladas with the umbrellas etc…
Oh yes and can't forget binoculars to see the cocks in the speedos after the shrinkage while in water!
RM, don't forget the beach umbrellas, we want to stay in the sun ALL day long and not get burned!
And I would like a young man named Paulo to bring me my drinks on a tray.
Can i just have a Youngish Man And a triple Vodka and coke !
Teri, we have the credit card. You can have whatever you want.
Thecrazygranny …don't forget slippery nipples. That's hubby's fav.
Hell yes! We need those Cabana men not boys to make our drinks cuz I am not a Cougar!
I know Pat but I don't have a son and last thing in the world I want is for my daughters to rely on a man to be responsible.
I forgot about the slippery nipples. I just prefer the screaming orgasms and blow jobs!
i think I'm too lazy to be a cougar …… LMAO
I know what you mean Teri, those young ones need to much attention. The only good thing would be they can go on and on and on again! But thats still not worth having to mother them! Lol
Stephanie (and anyone else I disagree with) PLEASE don't think anyone's comments offend me. The best part about RM's blog is the free flow of information and comments, and FWIW, I find it utterly fascinating how we all have different approaches to things, though I will admit I'm still having trouble picturing RM writing his name in the snow with blue semen. And it must have taken some serious strokes to spell it all out, though I imagine he just wrote RM and not Romance Man (with a curly-Q on the end…)
I found a couple of scenes I was going to put into my post, but need to check with RM first. They're pretty graphic and I don't want to set a bad precedent.
Ok, thanks RM for your response, you are absolutely right. But my son is married now, so I don't have to worry about him anymore. I still have a single daughter though………
What the hell are "slippery nipples"????? Do I dare ask? I would actually like that guy that Michele posted a picture of, the guy with the wrench? NOT in a speedo, thank you very much. I like the name Paulo, Diane……Luci could probably recommend a Paulo. She probably has a relative by that name! Ah…to dream……..
Kate, hi!! I would love to see the posts, if you want votes……….you have mine!
LOL…I'm not a cougar, either, crazygranny! For one thing, I don't want to be worried about how I look nekkid. Husband and I both wear glasses.We take them off in bed. Think Matisse paintings, all soft and blurry, very sensual.He still looks hot and so do I w/o clothes. Now, a young guy has eyes like a hawk. Gonna see those stretch marks from pregnancies that happened almost forty years ago, gonna notice that there's gray where the sun don't shine. Nope. Not going there.
However, did get the okay from RM to post a sex scene and how I handle the condom discussion even when my characters don't use them. Next comment.
Paulo is eye candy. I just want to look at him. He isn't seeing me naked!
Good god if any bloke stood next to me in Budgie Smugglers (speedos ) i'd Choke Laughing then get Miffed for spilling me Drink LMAO
Okay–set up. Two men (my Chanku/shapeshifters are ruled by a powerful libido. Sex with anyone within the pack, whether it's a bonded mate or not, is not only acceptable, it's expected.) who really do love one another.
==
He backed away and slipped off the bed, grabbed Oliver and turned him until his butt rested on the edge of the mattress. Kneeling beside the bed, Adam leaned close and planted a kiss on the underside of Oliver’s erect cock.Then he sat back on his heels on the floor beside the bed and ran his fingers over Oliver’s perfect ass, stroking his dark flanks, marveling at the smooth, sleek skin, trailing a fingertip along the warm, damp crease between his cheeks. He picked up the lube, removed the cap and pressed the tip against Oliver’s anus, covering the taut, sensitive ring of muscle with a thick layer of clear gel.
Oliver’s eyes closed. He sighed, and his head fell back against the bedding.
Adam squeezed some of the gel into his palm and slowly, carefully stroked his own cock, covering the thick shaft from tip to base. Normally they used condoms for anal sex, not to prevent disease which wasn’t an issue between Chanku, but because the women insisted.
Tonight, though, it was just the two of them.
Aesthetics be damned. He needed the intimacy of fucking raw, the feel of heat and moisture and tight, clasping muscles tightening around his bare shaft, the skin on skin connection only full, naked sex could give him.
==
Okay…just a short scene, but the condom is mentioned, and has to be, even though this is paranormal and the world rules allow for sex w/o risk of disease. The reason is that there will be enough readers familiar with anal sex and the fact that a condom makes sense in the real world, that I can't have my characters ignore it. Not that everyone will be concerned, but for those who will, it's something I have to mention.
Of course, I do tend to write very explicit stuff and that means that I get into what it's like in the morning when three or four people who have been intimate throughout the night wake up and they're all sticky and sweaty and stinky, but trust me, it works in context.
Pat, I'm not sure, but I think they are also called separtors? Irish cream and something else… Lol I've never had one! Sounds fun, tho.
LOL Kate, you forgot they would also see those drooping boobs that now point to the ground. Hubs loves to say " they are dragging on the ground now". My stretch marks start on my boobs and end in the hair down there! no way is anyone ever cept the hubs or doc will see them!
Speedos are the only thing a man can wear to get a good look at his package while clothed! outlined and everything! I guess they could wear a man thong so we could see their asses that would work too.
Slippery Nipple is a shot! Baileys and Samboca
LOL. yeah, what she said!
Kate, your writing is awesome.
Oh god sounds like that saying 'Young Lad Says 'Show us ya boobs!' So i lifted up me skirt !' LMAO Just cant get into men in speedos Dont know why i know its a Good 'Look Before you buy' thing , but Nope Cant ! Now A pair of Camos, Boots and shirtless Yippeeeee !!!!
Sorry, Original Lulu! Didn't mean to assume your identity. I'll come up with another name. From now on I'll be Bonbon.
That's because now speedos are like a taboo! I perfer my men in tight jeans or camos, or leather, I just love the whole bad-boy image. I know i would LMAO if i saw a man in a speedo too.
A discussion at the beginning of the book implies that sex is a done deal, and for me, most of the fun of reading is in that little dance the H/h do at the beginning–will they or won't they? If they have a straight-up discussion about safer sex practices, then it's a foregone conclusion they will. And *of course* they will, but I want to see them work for it!
crazygranny, two words: Lift weights. Stops the droop.
Thanks, Debbie! I LOVE writing this stuff! I've got first chapters of all my sexy stuff on my "adult" site at http://www.katedouglas.com/eroticromance I think it's scared away a LOT of readers, but not everyone!
And oh, my goodness! Looks like everyone else has moved on and is talking about speedos and slippery nipples and other naughty things! I'm a trunks and boxers girl, myself. Men are beautiful, but I prefer to imagine, rather than to see outright!
Elisabeth, you will learn pretty fast that on this blog you can go from blow jobs to ironing really fast
Hey everybody! Can I come to? I'm on board with the beach, alcohol, coloring and Paolo, but you all forgot the music! If we are gonna party we need music! Maybe some Jimmy Buffet because it IS Florida. And definitely music to dance to—I love to dance!
Diane if you are going to kick RMs ass I will also back you up, along with Pat AND I'll bring my cousins Vinny, Guido, Gino, Guiseppe and Anthony to help. Seriously, those are my cousins names. Lol.
Paulo will be wearing tight white jeans and a tight tee shirt. He is, after all, working.
White jeans are the Bestest you can leave such lovely Handprints on Arses !
Oh, good, Scarlet. And we need to bring your cousins to handle the food. Nothing like a bunch of Italian men to whip up a feast on short notice, even on the beach!
You are right about that. Never a shortage of good food in an Italian family!
And that's a definite negative on the speedo.
I'm with all the other voters who Locke regular swim suits, but especially tight jeans, shirtless ( a must) and boots.
scarlet, are they really your cousins!!!!!, Awesome! They can handle RM if he gets out of hand, after Diane!!!
Man, I have to vote with MMM about this auto spell check! I'm really not that bad a speller! Where's MMM, is he still working on his house, so he can't come???
Hi Pat! I may have thrown in a few extra names, but that list was pretty accurate. My family parties are like a scene from Good Fellas or the Sopranos. Lol. Lots of wine, pasta, cappuccino and fuhgetabout its!
Ouch, sorry RM for missing my blog shout out. I have no excuse other than life which keeps intruding when I'd rather be playing on the internet. And see, even now I'm about two hundred posts behind in the conversation which has swifly moved through womb ferrets, blue semen, anal sex, and Speedos. I'm outta breath just trying to keep up.
Alix, are you suggesting that you put your family ahead of this blog? I'm crushed
And yeah topics change fast around here.
Okay, you all win, no speedos. But how about cut-off well worn holy jean shorts? Will those work too, along with the tight white jeans?
Kate, loved the excerpt, I'm going to have to reread the series. Lifting weights huh? I'll have to try that. how long will it take ? They have been drooping for many years and I want instant gratifacation!! For now I just wear those nasty ass bras with support but absolutely no wires!
Oh Scarlet, Italian men yumm.
Boy RM, I sure hope thats a blac CC. BWAHAHAHA
RM- FYI it wouldn't let me post until i changed the spelling of the word black
I think it thought it was a racist comment. Stupid capcha
Well, I have to go do some…..whispering…….laundry. I also have to eat some lunch…starving……. Ok crazygranny's….no speedos, but the holey shorts sound ok….
Let me know when the limo's coming!!
Holy Fuck! We have two Lulu's now?
From the former Lulu2…..I've adopted Bonbon as my new moniker. Original Lulu can carry on! Love the blog!!!
Sheesh! I had 6 pages of fun to catch up on! RM, you still make me laugh too loud. Double Amex points for dildoes? Priceless!
Pat, way back about 3 pages, you said: "Can I come, I'll be quiet?" I wanna know how you do that. I've never been able to be silent, I at least let out a few squeaks or moans.
Kate, awesome excerpt. Gonna have to hunt up some of your old ones in my keeper shelf and re-read them.
Gotta admit mine will never sag Have never had enough boobage to worry about that ! Holey tight 501's , Bare feet (no Flip Flops On Men UGH) And sweaty Pecs Wow gotta take a Biiiiig Swig of the V and C Now ! LMAO
Oh, and one other comment, re RM writing his name in the snow with blue semen. Is that the result of the little blue pill that starts with a V?
I am back after my exhausting day – have no idea what the fuck you all are talking about but it seems you are all having a good time. Enjoy!!
Had a great Open Day. Dead tired now. Pat, thanks for your FB message – I hadn't seen it. Replied now.
RM please tell Lexie I will email her the laser info (such as i have it – not much ) to you so please pass on. thanks!
i write medieval era for a reason
I love medievals Trudy! I am in constant search for good ones. Any you rec? I think you aren't published yet? Right?
Luci…..glad you had a good day, do you have to do it again tomorrow?????
Luci, we are all meeting at Cocoa Beach. Diane and Pat are bringing the alcohol and soda, Scarlet is bringing her cousins so they can cook for us. someone is bringing beach umbrellas…
RM, how can you concentrate enough in the middle of an orgasm to write your name in the snow ??!
Kate, gawd, you are the best erotica writer I have read. If I find one better, I'll let you know (privately of course).
Trudy!!! website please!. for your medieval works
LG since you have it all covered, i will just drag myself there and enjoy your company.
Pat, nope it a one day thing only this time around. In November it will be a whole weekend. But yipee! It was successful.
Damn, PLEASE take me to the beach with y'all. Anything to stop this birthday month. I have had my fifth piece of birthday cake this month yesterday – husband. Would be better if I could taste it (allergies have cut off my smell sensors – again).
The good news that I can volunteer for any bug squashing that needs to be done at the beach. For some reason if I cannot smell, I can do the gross stuff. No, RM, it does NOT mean I am assisting with your spelling in the snow. If you cannot spell your name by now, you are beyond my help….use Dianes crayons first.
Budgie Smugglers? BHAHAHAHA! That is a new one for me! And Paolo is safe from me – I just look, not touch….
Oh God no! NO speedo's. That's like the biggest DON'T ever. Swim trunks low enough to see the 'V' for the win. Here in FL, those speedos are everywhere. As are those not fit for bikini's. I give em props for guts, but wow.
Condoms yeah or nay?
Let's be truthful–if we were going for complete honest to goodness 'real life' there would need to be a 30 min whiny conversation about how it feels like a glove.
That said, I truly think it depends on the characters and story line. If we know upfront, their soul mates bound to be together for eternity, I'm probably not going to catch the lack of suiting up. If they are just meeting, humans (not a para) then sorry…but if there is no gloving up, I"m thinking what a hoochie.
So, entirely depends on the storyteller and storyline.
Either way a well written sex scene won't be hindered by gloving or lack thereof.
Kate- Loved that scene.
Granny-You're a riot.
Love reading all the fantastic comments! Makes my day.
FYI- You guys have seen this I presume?
http://yourmasque.com/flavors
Just sayin…
And I would definitely like my Cabana man to be barefoot!!
Luci, stick with me, I'll take care of everything.
Actually, today in Vegas, it is overcast and drizzling!!
I'm in LG. Will pass for Kiki on the way
.
Night people, talk tomorrow!
Night Luci……….sleep well!
So where is Kate's Scene? I missed it!!!! HELP !!!
Favorite hidden gem (cheap spot-otherwise I would say Sanibel Island) is Mexico Beach just past Pt. St. Joe down by Toucans where there are bathrooms and a SHOWER!
Plus, Toucans is awesome.
@Pat–a few (or more) pages back.
@Pat: http://www.theromanceman.net/blog/2012/4/13/i-swear-i-dont-have-herpes.html?currentPage=7#comments
Pat, I think it's at the bottom of page 7, and thanks, guys, for the nice comments. I notice RM remained mute. Those guy on guy things just seem to put his knickers in a twist, ya know?
Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hi and that if I'm not here it's because I'm working and staying off line. THat little announcement thingy that tells me there's a new comment on the blog is too big a distraction!
Thank you Kate, I found it! Hot one!
RM will remain mute on gay wolf sex.
I have a question for the men in the room.
When you put on a condom, does it just stay on until you take it off? I see in these novels that sometimes the man puts one on and then does other things prior to entering his lady. It seems like it might come off while the man is moving around.
Good Morning/Evening… I am feeling so out of touch with the time change, spend all my time catching up and laughing at all the comments.
Re the beach party, I am SO there….Patron Silver please and I'll bring the limes. I told my sis we'd have to toast the parents(RIP) with Pina Coladas and Miller ponies (memories from our teenage years at the beach w/ the parents) but she mentioned they have something like 600 calories (PC's) so we are sticking to our present day favorites and toasting "Salut y forza al canut!" which will make MMM and RM either very happy or blush after a while.
Speedos… hate them on a public beach….love them at swim meets etc on athletes….PET PEEVE—- hate that beach volleyball girls are half naked, only because it is SO UNFAIR that the beach volleyball guys are wearing board shorts…Equal opportunity eye candy please .
"Speedos… hate them on a public beach….love them at swim meets etc on athletes….PET PEEVE—- hate that beach volleyball girls are half naked, only because it is SO UNFAIR that the beach volleyball guys are wearing board shorts…Equal opportunity eye candy please ." — MJ
Yay! i so agree with you, MJ. Why should guys have all the ogle-fun? I wanna look too. But those baggy shorts that aren't short, baggy cargo pants, baggy anythings, yuk. Remember when the original James Bond came out of the pool in his SHORT, form-fitting bathing trunks? *sigh*
I do love to see pix of the diving and swimming hunks. They wear such a teensy-weensy a patch of fabric and I don't mind it at all.
Well, you have given me a new thought,…..athletes, swimmers( like RM). And cover models for romance books…..little swim suits on them…….that is something to think about!!!
Ok, I told you I don't remember posting anything last night (I guess this isn't the only place I posted, either)… anyhow, I don't have to be in to work until 10 on Saturdays so don't usually set an alarm. I wouldn't have needed to, anyhow. I woke up this morning to chimes from my email! …over and over and over. So, I finally got up to see who the heck was sending me all this email… which turned out to be comments on here, which made me wonder why I was getting them… then I saw what I wrote and you know the rest…
So, I was thinking maybe I should post on here each night before I go to bed so I can wake up to email chimes…
Chris, in NZ they call the little shorts , like the old rugby or tennis shorts from our youths "stubbies" they are only allowed if you are dressed up for the era….
There's are 3 diff. forms of rugby , Rugby Union (All Blacks etc) Rugby League (NZ Warriors) and an unique Australian kind called Aussie Rules…they are the only ones that I've noticed that still wear stubbies (IMO)
http://theplanetd.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/aussie-football-rules.jpg
by "allowed" I meant that you will get serious ribbing from your peers and even strangers if you are a male and wear stubbies outside of venues like the Rugby Sevens (when everyone dresses outrageously)
I won! I won! Just gotta love bowling for sexual favors! I beat my hubs all 3 games!
Hope you all had a great day.
Husb. Is snoring on the couch watching TV, and the dog we are watchinfg is snoring with him. Life is pretty exciting here on Sat. Nights!!! LOL. So, goodnight RM , Lexie, and anyone else still awake who's reading this!
Luci……good morning.. Hope your going to relax today! See ya tomorrow!!!
Night Pat et al, its mid afternoon here…dh is watching rugby league
, cloudy windy day
I just came in to shut the computer down for the night and had to see what you guys were up to. Husband and I just watched a really good movie downstairs, THE DESCENDANTS with George Clooney. It's like a two hour death scene, but filmed in Hawaii and even though I bawled through part of it, I really liked the movie. Acting was superb and the scenery is just so gorgeous.Usually I don't like shows like this, but it was really well done. I think I surprised my spouse. Usually I walk out of movies that are depressing, but this had enough positive stuff in it that I really did love it.
See you all tomorrow. I'm holding good thoughts for RM. I have a feeling that dealing with the technical crap of the switch to a new blog might be making him a bit nuts. Hang in there, RM. It will all work out eventually. And we're patient, aren't we? (That was said with one eyebrow raised and a warning against picking on the poor boy. I'm in protective mom mode.)
I just got home… I was really just joking about the DD thing. BUT, my boss decided she wanted to go do karaoke… and I ended up the DD.
Good Morning Luci ! Thanks for the comments on my family picture. I have a newer one from Dec. from my son's wedding, but I can't get it to post on the " timeline"! When I said I was letting my hair grow, it's just a little longer, and I use a flat iron to get rid of some of the curls. Looks longer that way. Looks like I'm the only one up early! That's thanks to the dog we're watching!!! She was ready for a walk at 6:00 ! Rm and Lexie, I hope your taking a day to relax, and enjoy each other! As Kate says…….we are patient!!!! Kate's in protective Mom mode, we don't want any of those wolves, shapeshifters coming after us. Well…maybe one or two, judging by her covers! Later………
Good morning, Pat!
Luci – have you read Laura Kinsale? She has a couple of medieval books. I've read one (Shadowheart) and the other is on my TBR list.
Good Morning Pat, Luci, Jamie, everyone who's awake!! Dogs got me up. Once they are walked and have breakfast, we snuggle back down for more sleep . Aaahhhh…. I went to a comedy show last night, it was okay, not as funny as RM and all the comments though
Kate, your experience and maturity is a welcome additive to all this bawdy childishness we do here. To think that the hottest Erotica writer in the US is the voice of Balance for this website!! Love Ya and Need Ya!!!!
Have a Great Day, looks like a beautiful one here in the West.
Ya know, when you put it THAT way, LG, it's actually sort of terrifying! Me? Voice of reason? Considering the fact I'm in my office writing some pretty "over the top" sex this morning, your comment really cracks me up! On the other hand, it is a truly pleasant way to begin my day. After the research, of course.
Have a great day everyone, and RM, do hope things are coming along better with the techie crap on the blog.
Kate, I enjoyed reading your excerpt back a few comments. would raise any wolfen's neck hair, for sure! lol anyhoo, i was wondering, after reading the excerpt, whether you are able to dial it back some in another book, where the sex doesn't need to be so raw. once you go there, can you ever go back? t
AMEN! I had to go back in and add that 2 of my characters were tested every 6 months for std's and used condoms with everyone else but each other to meet the SAFE SEX GUIDELINES. But….I did it right after a REALLY Hot female masterbation scene so no Chubby one eyed trouser snakes would be harmed.
Jamie nope didn't know Laura Kinsale wrote medievals. I have two oh her more famous books in my tbr piles but i dont think thry are medieval. Will check Shadowheart out now.
Did you hear what happened during an Italian football game yesterday?
GM LG i created an album on fb if you'd like to see. I shared a photo of the sea a few days ago on my timeline but cannot see it today. Boqq
Yes, I heard about that player. Very tragic. Isn't it strange that there have been two serious health issues during games within just a few weeks?
Shadowheart is a little dark. The hero is an anti-hero. For My Lady's Heart is the prequel, so you might want to read that first.
Thanks for the recs Jamie will check them out. As long as there is no cheating or love triangles i should be fine
.
Its really sad Jamie. I saw the video of the player falling down and try to get up again, heartbreaking. It is strange that its happening so often. A few weeks ago in Italy the same thing happened to a volleyball player – it was fatal too. This player's parent were dead and his brother died a year ago. He has a sister with Downs Syndrome. Poor girl what she has gone through.
I haven't seen the video and probably won't. It's just odd because they're so fit. It's happened with basketball players here in the US. Several years ago, there was a high school player who died during a game. He had an undiagnosed heart condition, but you have to think that professional players are examined very closely medically.
No, no cheating or love triangles in these books. The hero in Shadowheart is an assassin with some issues, and if I remember right, he's planning to kill the heroine.
Trudy, I do that all the time. My newest book, CrystalFire, released April 1 under the Zebra imprint from Kensington. Rules are different there–no "same sex" relationships, no kink, gotta keep it hot by traditional…or as traditional as you can be between a sprite turned human and a Lemurian scholar with a talking sword! Point being, yes, I have no problem switching between genres. Once I'm in my character's head and their world, I know the rules and stay within the guidelines. Of course, in Aphrodisia, there are very few rules or guidelines so I'm on my own. I do love that!
Moist Cock Garage..lol.. I'll never read another sex scene without thinking about your wonderful analogy…
RM, you're the best….
Thanks MC
Thank you!!! That's exactly how I feel. I hate for the hero to have to put a condom on. This is fantasy!! There really is no need for the social commentary to enter our stories. If I needed a safe sex lesson, if anyone needs a lesson in safe sex, romance books shouldn't be the ones to have to provide them. Obviously, in paranormals and historicals condoms aren't really necessary. But I think I hold back from reading contemporaries because I know they'll talk about the pill and condoms and it's so stupid!! I'm a grown woman. I know how to avoid unwanted pregnancies and STDs. But I don't find it heroic for the guy in my story to have to put on a condom. I'm here for the sex, dammit!! Let's just get it on!! LOL
Seriously I always have to make sure I have pee'd before I read your blog! I have to say that I am so use to reading about the "oh wait let me put a condom on" I was actually reading a book today where they didn't and they had every other time, I spent the rest of the book waiting for the inevitable pregnacy, which never happened; AND it was the hottest sex scene in the book. Now I personally feel I am smarter than th e average bear (what an odd saying), so back in the day.. .. Whether or not I read a hot Romance where the hero did not wear condom… .. I made sure in REAL life a condom was used. I do understand that our beloved authors feel the need to write safe sex but maybe we could just assume a condom is being used; you know the same way we assume that the heroine has taken a pee already when the wake up sex takes place!!! Or the way we just assume that everybody's breath is minty fresh when those sloppy wet kisses take place first thing in the morning! Just sayin! Once again RM funny as hell.
Romance Man! I am almost finished reading a book by Sylvia Day called Bared to You where they had pretty much the exact safe sex conversation that you wrote. Made me laugh a lot. Very good book- meaning you should check it out.
Love this , ok this does bother me a bit . You get the juices flowing and bam wait , I have to get a condom . It does take away from the mood , so you corral the the stallion and hopefully get back to the bronc . Oh and ride the cow boy longer then 8.
Thanks Theri!
You're kidding Noel. They actually did that?
I agree Robin, total mood killer.
Pfft. Yes, it's fantasy, but we like it to feel real… and if I'm reading about two people who seem pretty smart to me, and they live in the 'normal' world, not a paranormal one, etc, and they don't touch on something like pregnancy and sexual health, my immediate thought is going to be.. "either this is a pregnancy book or these characters are STUPID." I don't want to read stupid characters and while I'm okay with some pregnancy books, I don't want all of them that way.
That sort of thing throws me out of a book. But womb ferret would do it even worse. O.o
Womb Ferret is awesome and you know it.
Hi,RM. For my generation the 80"s were all about women being on the pill and men rubbing a rabbits foot hoping she was telling him the truth. Condoms were actually a thing of the past. Then "Holy Fucking Shit" The meaningless causal sex apocalypse had come. Much to horny to surrender to the abstinence movement, condoms erected their ugly latex heads and were king once more. Wish to hell I had bought stock. Anyway, Where do they fit in Romance Novels. Paranormal Authors can write it anyway they want. Got it. But what about the rest of them? We want the moment to be so spontaneous that nothing will interrupt their perfectly synchronized "Never had an orgasm like that before" orgasms. But whether we like it or not, even romance has to intersect with a certain degree of reality which poses a problem for the writer. Speaking as a female, I want the heroine to be soft and beautiful but I also want her to be smart and I don't want her to have a "Fuck! Where's the nearest clinic" morning. That's to much reality and quite frankly brings on some nasty flashbacks. So the condom has to stay. At least for the first time, and don't make a big deal out of it with "The Talk" Just rip it open and tuck him in. We aren't that hard to please. After that, swap test results, consider the pill, a shot, whatever the hell, so we as readers can enjoy the next steamy, sexy, slimy hot mess of a love scene.
I gotta jump in here, dude–here’s the thing–we get bashed an awful lot if we don’t do the politically correct thing. People hurl stuff at us like, “What if a teenager picked up this book and thought it was okay not to use a condom?” To which author-dom replies, “Why is your underage kid reading my over 18 stuff?”
It can get fugly, man, and I’m not down with preaching to my readers or getting into publicly defending my work for any reason. I leave the reviews to the readers and shut up. But there are issues I CAN prevent and will continue to do so. So I try to slip that shiz in under the radar with as little ado about nothing as I can. I’m also a parent. So I get it in some respects. I’m also not aware of an “industry standard”, but I don’t much follow the industry.
Truth be told, my contemp characters are always gonna use some form of BC because the emails and potential scorn just ain’t worth it
Damn I didn’t thin it was that bad that people would actually give you shit about it.
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