Since I started this blog I have avoided controversial issues. Most of the time I write stupid stuff and try to be funny. That’s mainly because I don’t take life to serious and there are only a few issues I am really concerned about. I have daughters so I am concerned with girls/women’s issues and I have a pet turtle so I am concerned with non-consensual turtle sex. Other than that not too much bothers me. Tonight is different. There is an issue I need to discuss that may cause an uproar but I can’t remain silent anymore…I am sick of author’s interrupting a great sex scene so the hero can put on a rubber. I know it’s their book and they can write whatever they want but it completely kills the mood. Here I am pretending to be the hero and I’m about to stick my one eyed love muscle into her moist cock garage and I have to stop so my fantasy avatar can put on a condom. This sucks. Talk about a chubby killer.
I understand it’s an industry requirement and I know we all want to promote safe sex but here’s my problem. It’s all a fantasy, it isn’t real. Just like vampires aren’t real and people who can turn into dragons or wolves aren’t real or women who have orgasms as soon as you touch their clit aren’t real. It’s all fantasy that’s why we read these books so we can pretend we are someone else for a while. So why is we can pretend to believe in shapeshifters but we can’t pretend there isn’t VD or unwanted pregnancies in romancelandia?
I know I can’t take on Big Romance and win so I have been trying to figure out a solution to this problem. First I thought of holding a convention with all romance authors and readers and we would all just agree that this is a fantasy and there are no diseases or unwanted pregnancies in this genre. Unfortunately I am busy on the weekend I wanted to hold the convention so I can’t do it. I then thought maybe there could just be a warning label on the cover that says “the characters in this book do not have safe sex because they aren’t real and can’t really get sick or pregnant but if you ever have sex with a man who turns into a wolf or a vampire you should make sure he wears a condom”. I don’t think this would work though just like the warning labels on cigarettes don’t work. But I think I have found a solution. All the author has to do is address the issue right away and get it over with. It could be done directly as soon as the hero and heroine first meet:
Hero: Hi, my name is Bob.
Heroine: Hi Bob, I’m Sarah.
Hero: Although we currently hate each other for no apparent reason I can feel the sexual tension and I have a feeling we might have sex later.
Heroine: I can feel it too do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
Heroine: When is the last time you were checked for AIDS and VD?
Hero: Last week, I’m clean. How about you?
Heroine: Same, I’m clean too.
Hero: Are you on the pill?
Heroine: Yes but not because I’m a slut it’s for “female” reasons.
Hero: Cool. Do you think you’ll be sucking my womb ferret when we have sex?
Heroine: You mean your cock?
Heroine: Never mind. I probably will but that doesn’t matter because you don’t need a condom for that apparently.
Heroine: Are going to lick my pussy?
Hero: You mean wetness or sex or core?
Hero: Never mind. While I’m down there I will lick your small nub of hard flesh is that ok?
Heroine: You mean my clit?
Heroine: Never mind.
Thanks to Ruthie for womb ferret!